an unspoken code

skate safely.  

it was good to start here. but now it's time to move

torchplay 

let's start things right 2009 :) 

i'm about to let this blog go. i'm just thinking of a new name to move to. it's taking a while, but i'll get there. 

 you got a little bit of what used to be left in me.

 and when you lose that self-control, in the most unexpected way...not even sleep nor rest can get it out of your head. when simple play is no longer as it is. irrational can be rational, in the same sense. are there other questions? is there time to wait for answers or actions?

it ain't an everyday thing if wondering. it isn't a question of yes or no. it is a wonder why i have to think before i move. is it a matter of second guessing? i wonder, what if i stop. what if i stop moving? and start waiting, like most people. will i still get what i aim for? but i can't stop, and i don't know how. and i don't want to, most of the time. go-getting, that's what it is called. is it danger upon my path? am i putting myself at risk. but i thrive for it, for that, for the fuel that runs through my system. less precautions, more jumping. less worries, more triping on my own, then learning. is this, the fuel i want? 

 tell me?

when the fun gets the run, and its all play. will i get tired of it, or will i live it til' the next day?

i say... its a whole lot of enjoyment.

im good where i'm at.

one more chance at "effort"
a decision to make, a settlement of what i have finished
consistently passed up and put off for so long
i'm on high hopes that this will not backfire
in the event that it does, screw it
i have no scheming intentions, no plans of danger
just one, maybe last, kick of effort
don't get me wrong, i mean no harm
i need the clarity so pardon me for that
it won't be long...

things never really go as planned when you plan. riding the flow of things is always the way to go, i think. instincts say so. backfiring events? well, positive outlook, there could be something better. 

woah...

restrictions. like walls that hold up 40 feet high. there are no ropes to climb or bridges to cross, there are just ties you have to cut and bridges to burn. there is no safety, no rescue, just a hindrance that never seems to see an end.

to 07' and everything that comes with it, you have been filled with so many different highlights, good times bad times all the same. but its the experience that matters, the learning of new things and the remembering of old lessons learned. let it all sink in now, this year is passing and passing on the torch to a new one ahead. 

brand new year start now, people. 

and to year 08', steady lang. :)

its all slipping slowly, one by one
and it all would hurt

i need to find my way back, please. YOU know my call.

am i a lesser person now? i am...

it takes so much away everytime i look back into it. i just can't anymore. a couple of wrong turns and bad shots taken and with a snap went out of track. i lost hold of that wheel and i couldn't get back. i wish it were as easy as that... snap snap snap. snap back to reality, snap back to sanity, snap back to casually being here.  it takes so much away, it just does. in the back of my head i still keep wondering "why?". it takes more away everytime i have to face it everyday. the more i step into the halls, walls, doors the more i question myself. it takes me back to "why?". 

yes, admitting was the hard part. the harder part was the accepting and hardest of it all is the recovery from the relapses. i can't say i know the pain you're going through because i don't. i can't say the best lines to drift your mind away from that momentary relapse. it takes more away by the minute.  

i have nothing but confessions, and apologies(because explanations have gotten tiring).

 

you and i, we're not far apart. maybe i've known you all my life, but then again not. you bother my senses with the way you think. your mind seems to be intertwined with mine. you and i? we are alike, and yet the farthest people at that. you and i? i am you but maybe not. i don't know you so well. i still have alot to learn along the way. but taking you on, the person that you are is probably the biggest challenge ever. you change me, you are the change in me. i seek explanations for my doubt, i seek you for what i lack. i question myself in the very essence of your existence. what is happening? you trouble me, and at times i can't find you. are you playing games? how can you beat me so well in my own game. i have to win you over, or win over you. i just need to come out victorious, despite the heavy wounds that may occur. i need you here, to find your way back inside me, drive me once again like you did before. together, we'll make the best team ever. you and me, me. you and me. we'll conquer and defeat fear. we do it so well. come now and spark my senses, build my intuition, tick my imagination and make it run. be my spark plug, i need you. let's do this. we divide away from my faulty, lethargic self. we conquer the drive and ambition, because WE CAN.

 you make me sane when i go impulsive insane. you save me right after anger management.

how do you do it?

makes me want to give this up
i am just that. i am just the labels i have. and that came from you.
nothing more JUST that. everything else falters. this falters as well. 
these typing fingers are in agony
and so it stops. 
because i've lost it. i've lost the heart like you say, the heartless something(i forgot the exact words) that i am.
heartless. i've lost the heart, the trust in my writing, the heart to write.
no heart--- nothing then.


so goodbye. goodbye to this heart. 

this blog has hit rock bottom. down there, there is no heart. no heart=no pen,paper, thoughts, words. 

gone.

 i need you
but can't
and this ache
it has to fade
somewhere along the lines of apology
somewhere in between the lines you told me
i believed
i believed a better after
i hoped...i wished...

slow, steady breathing to hide away the fears
the fixed eyes when running to fool the world that you have a destination
in honesty's presence, you tend to bend and break
the falling sensation that just has to capture moments
when you're about to jump off the edge, flashbacks would take its place
and in my own little world
you fill my thoughts, they're endless
you fill me, every bit of me.

read the signs.
STOP at the STOP sign.
get the message?